I must admit

I don’t want you to be feel like scraps that have been left. I want to cherish you, your worth so much I cry while thinking my fears have been found out. Please. Tell me you don’t know. Please, never find out, that my deepest fear is leading you on while you don’t really understand. I’m afraid, and that is my subconscious dragging you down. I’m afraid and I want you beside me. I’m afraid that I love you and you will leave me some day. And what hunts me the most is that that fear will drive you away. I too fear that that fear manifests itself in no love at all. That it slowly left you with no caring cell. Fear can transform a human into a monster, swelling them up from the inside out. With all that anger and jealousy you cannot ever look anyone in the eye.

That is why I write, so you don’t know from my lips this insanity. So you won’t see from my actions this obsession. So this fear won’t touch your pure hands for it most die in this black words. For it most disappear from my emotions while they’re declared. And as for me, as I know my fear I’m the master of my subconscious mind. This risk will not seduce me, it maybe latent, but while conscience it will never come out.

(December 12, 2014)   

FPSA

Fear

It´s so irritating how a negative event in your life can change you so much, but what is more irritating is how it can retain you from living. My scar makes me afraid of loving you, it too make me unaware of your affection, I really don´t understand if there is something happening here as I’m totally absorbed in my thoughts. Yes, my scar make me afraid of thinking you may love me back, this is as true as the lack of affection that I have received from other guys, as I have only received disgust from their words, nothing more, nothing less. These are sufficient words to make me know I´m not liked, nor seen as someone important. This is why I don’t know if believe my gut that is telling me you seem flirty, or listen to my reason that seems afraid of getting hurt.

Yes, I’m afraid of everything, of the lies, the falls, except of something positive happening. In other words, I’m afraid of rejection and loosing someone so dear, so near that could be sewed to my heart. And what is worst, I really like you, and life is too short to be wasted in fear.

(October 21, 2012)

FPSA